Unharnessed
Posted on May 20, 2008
Filed Under freedom, growing in God, spirit | Leave a Comment
Do you ever listen to The God Journey podcasts? These guys speak a lot of Truth, so if you ever get the chance give them a listen. I caught a recent episode while I was walking on the treadmill this morning. Brad Cummings was talking about how he was teaching his little girl how to snow ski, and comparing that to how Daddy wants us out of the ski harness and learning how to fly down the slopes of life untethered. Just like Father, Brad was always there with his little girl making sure she was safe, but he let her decide which turns to make. The institution seems to have a vested interest in keeping us in the harness well past the time it is needed. Just like Brad’s daughter was afraid at first, we’re made to be afraid of all the bad things out there that could befall us if we ski through life unharnessed. But Daddy isn’t afraid to let us fall in the snow sometimes, because that’s how we learn that we’ll be OK if we keep pressing in. Then we can all ski together, unharnessed, and we’ll never be satisfied with the tether again. Take a listen: Beyond the Harness
Being in awe all over again
Posted on May 17, 2008
Filed Under creation, faith, fun stuff | 1 Comment
Sometimes it’s the simplest things that bring me back to a place of wonder. We finally received our harvester ants in the mail yesterday. I’m sure the women at the post office were thrilled to place in our mailbox an envelope proclaiming “live harvester ants.”
We brought them home and tipped them out of the test tube into the blue gel of the ant farm. After a brief period of adjustment, the ants got to work doing what Dad created them to do: work. Apparently things like sleeping, eating, and relaxing don’t matter to ants too much.
They worked all night long tunneling in this hard, blue gel-like substance that was created by NASA scientists to house ants they took with them on space missions. They’d attempted to bring ants before, but the tunnels were always destroyed in the process of takeoff and zero gravity. This “space gel” solves the problem of collapsing tunnels and also provides moisture and nutrients for the ants.
It is fascinating to watch these creatures communicating and performing their roles, and so beautiful to see in the clear blue habitat. It makes me realize once again how creative and just amazing God is, and my heart is led to worship Him both for the creation of the ants, and the creation of people who design these wonderful little habitats where we can so easily observe the ants at work. Thank you Daddy.
Knowing Jesus: head or heart?
Posted on May 15, 2008
Filed Under Jesus, dying to self, faith, freedom, growing in God, spirit | Leave a Comment
For me, it’s just gotta be heart.
How can we put God in a book and tell him to stay there?
Sure, there are facts we become aware of - they are few: Jesus, the Son of God, crucified for my redemption, resurrected for my eternality. But where we store these facts, where we plant those seeds, determines whether they will grow or not. The mind is rocky soil, mixed with so much thorny, puffed up and prideful proof of righteousness, that facts planted there often grow stunted and produce haughty fear-fruit, if they even take root at all. But the heart, what rich soil unhindered by vanity and the pretensions of intelligence, that produces a lush harvest of love for our brother Jesus. What trust, what longing, what unconcern for details, what abandon, that follows him even to death. The head cannot conceive of such unsafe behavior and instinctively condemns and shuns the rebellious, libertarian heart.
The difference between worry and care
Posted on May 12, 2008
Filed Under Jesus, faith, freedom, growing in God, struggling with sin | 3 Comments
Sometimes I use “not caring” about something as a defense mechanism. Not caring becomes detachment, which becomes a place that feels safe. For instance, we have to find a vehicle because my previous automobile was totaled out by the insurance company after we hit a deer. So in the process of looking for a suitable replacement, I have settled into a place of “not caring” what we buy. I have detached myself completely from the process, because several times already I have had car preferences that my husband has had to tell me wouldn’t work for one reason or another. In order to avoid the anticipation/disappointment cycle and possibly acting in an uncharitable manner, I have chosen simply to “not care.” I realize that this puts the entire responsibility for finding a car in his court. But to me, it feels like it was already his responsibility, (because he knows more about cars than I do and because mechanical concerns trump appearance preferences) so why not make it official?
I was thinking about the “not caring” thing this morning and comparing that to Jesus’ admonition to us not to worry. What’s the difference? I know there’s a difference, but I didn’t quite get it yet. But I think I may have hit on something:
The reason “not worrying” is right and “not caring” is wrong, is because worrying happens when I am not living in the moment, and caring happens when I AM living in the moment. To expound, worrying happens when I am thinking about something that COULD happen or MAY NOT happen in the future. Conversely, caring about an issue means that I am prepared to deal with making decisions IN THIS MOMENT, without detaching myself.
When Jesus tells us not to worry, I believe he is telling us to live in the moment. The evil in worrying is that in worry, I am never present. I might be living my entire life five minutes in the future, or years in the future. I am missing out on the only thing that is REAL, which is life right this moment in the presence of Jesus.
But caring means that I am facing this very moment and being present in it. If I stop caring about what this moment holds, I am placing myself into some other time or dimension, and once again I am missing REAL LIFE.
Today my life is a perfect practical application of this principle. Today, I seem to be bent on worrying about my relationship with my daughter, even though right this moment she is not here and there is nothing I can do about our relationship right now, and so my worry is focused on some nebulous concept of future events. Today, I also seem to be bent on detaching myself from the decisions that need to be made regarding purchasing (or not purchasing) a replacement vehicle, detaching myself from the work that needs to be done today, detaching myself from interaction with the people who ARE here.
With both of these behaviors, I am pushing myself out of the moment and out of real life.
So today I have learned why worry is wrong but caring is essential.
Trusting by letting go
Posted on May 9, 2008
Filed Under Jesus, dying to self, faith, growing in God, spirit, struggling with sin | 6 Comments
I was writing a prayer today and I was asking God to please take away this awful burden of self, these daily temptations and driven desires that make endless demands on me. Please take it away, I was begging with my pen, and as I wrote those words I heard him say, Please give it to me.
Huh?
Please give it to me.
……………………………
Oh, you mean I’m holding on to this thing and asking you to wrest it from my white-knuckled grip, when instead I could just hand it over to you? I thought about that for a moment and then the questions started. He probably expected that. He was probably shaking his head and chuckling a little bit as I ranted: How can I just let go because I started to do that a few months ago and look at where I’m at now. It sure doesn’t look like you’re handling it, Jesus. I don’t think you took it away, this burden of self, because right now I am buried even deeper in it. Look at me, I’m struggling and I’m questioning and I’m feeling really stuck. I must have been doing it wrong but I don’t know how to do it the right way and I’m scared.
And he said, Just trust me.
So I changed the subject for a little while, because the thought of just letting go of all of that, ceasing to be concerned about it, and living in the moment with my life directed completely toward him above everything else, was just too risky.
Now, after a morning of consideration, I am feeling brave enough to confront that idea again. And I can see that in constantly begging him to take my burden of selfishness and self-concern away, I don’t have to trust him with that burden because I am still holding on to it. Trust means letting go of the crap voluntarily, not waiting around for him to rip it away forcibly. Trust means not judging the outcome of letting go according to my own desires or vision. Trust means opening my hands and my heart and keeping my eyes completely and only on him, and following with all my strength. Trust means giving up control because I want to, not because I have to.
My nature
Posted on May 8, 2008
Filed Under Jesus, dying to self, faith, freedom, growing in God, struggling with sin | 3 Comments
Jesus takes away my sin nature, but what about the rest of me? Does he completely change my entire nature? Or is it just my sin nature that has to go? If he changes me completely then what of being fearfully and wonderfully made? What of being created in Dad’s image? Does this mean I completely suck as a human being and need to be made into something completely different? That he thinks the Tina he made was a mistake? I’m thinking not. I am made new by the sacrifice of Jesus. New doesn’t mean different, it means clean and fresh, which can certainly be different than sin-stained, but it’s not a different me. The old sin nature is dead, but the unique creation that Daddy loves so much is still here and still cherished by him.
Getting hurt
Posted on May 8, 2008
Filed Under dying to self, faith, ideals, struggling with sin | Leave a Comment
I think that just the act of trying to live by my ideals makes me more vulnerable to hurt from others. Have you ever asked for forgiveness from someone, in a heartfelt and repentant way, only to have them act (in a really snotty way, I might add) like they don’t know what you’re talking about? It definitely hurts to get smacked by your own sincerity. Oh well! It’s not about me and my feelings.
Passion as a compass
Posted on May 8, 2008
Filed Under faith, freedom, growing in God, ideals, spirit | 1 Comment
I have been ignoring this blog because I have allowed things to motivate me and lead me that shouldn’t be motivating me and leading me. Consequently, I haven’t been following my passion, which is to write about my spiritual journey and the things that I believe Dad is showing me.
The most recent distraction has been money. I have been all about finding a way to make more money using my God-given writing gift. This, even though I have clearly heard Spirit-voice telling me it is time to stop using my gift for what I can get out of it and start allowing myself to simply be a conduit. How could I possibly make money writing about my passion? So I have been focusing on other things, like a Web site about telecommuting that could draw lots of visitors and therefore ad dollars. Something that is completely without passion for me.
Another thing that has distracted me is the fact that people from time to time have such a strong reaction to the things I write. So I have blocked myself from expressing what I hear Spirit-voice saying to me because I have been worried about what people would think or if they would be offended. I tried to explain it to myself in pious terms. You shouldn’t be causing others to stumble, I told myself. You shouldn’t make it sound like you are pointing fingers, I said. Don’t express the things in your heart because you might hurt others. But these were really just excuses to play the martyr. My refusal to write the things God has put on my heart is a selfish act of the will designed to mitigate personal risk. If I don’t share my heart, then people cannot disagree with me or get angry with me. If I don’t share my innermost thoughts, then the resulting silence is the result of my own choice, not someone else’s choice to say nothing about the thing I have risked myself to express.
Of course, all of this is wrong thinking. I realized that this morning as I was journaling, a discipline I am working on separately from blogging. Neither money nor risk mitigation are valid reasons to abandon my God-given passion. So to hell with money, and if you are offended by what I write please do not make the choice to visit and read. I will not be co-dependent with the world.
Right, wrong, love
Posted on May 3, 2008
Filed Under Jesus, dying to self, faith, family, growing in God, paradigms, struggling with sin | 1 Comment
This morning I was thinking (ok I was obsessing) about the importance of being right and doing right and making sure our loved ones can see what is right and do what is right. Then Jesus said, “But Tina, this is how the world will know that you are my disciple: that you love one another.” And I thought that was just so off topic. How off topic of you, Jesus. And he just looked at me and loved me.
So maybe it’s not about getting everyone on track, after all.
Subversive blogger… hmmm
Posted on May 1, 2008
Filed Under fun stuff, memes | 3 Comments
My friend Jim tagged me and actually awarded me with a subversive blogger award. Hey wow! I think it is cool to be noticed. This Presbyterian guy I know introduced me to the phrase “subvert the dominant paradigm” and I have to admit, I’ve kind of adopted it as my life vision. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s something that could get me into trouble from time to time. I think it’s always been my life vision, it’s just that now there are words for what I do. Hah.
So, the rules for this meme are that I am to link back to the person who tagged me, choose five subversive bloggers to pass this award along to, and link back to the original post by Jake Bouma.
Of course, my first inclination is to link right back to Jim, since I think he’s pretty darn subversive, but in the spirit of passing it along, I guess my first choice has to be Wayne Jacobsen, author of LifeStream. Wayne is probably way too busy to even notice my giving him an award, but I owe him so much in the way of my spiritual growth in the last few years.
In connection to that, the God Journey podcast, which is a collaboration between Wayne and Brad Cummings, is also very high on my list of subversive influences. Once you’ve listened to a few of these you will see what I mean. Don’t worry about the stupid jokes and chit chat at the beginning - it’s better than long-winded prayers any day, in my book.
Of course, I have to mention Paul Young’s WindRumors while I’m at it. Paul is the author of the amazingly successful book The Shack, and Papa sure has given him some great insights. You know, I kind of hate that The Shack has become so popular. It means that its subversion is right around the corner, at least if you’re me.
I’m not all down with the “emergent church” movement, but Mike Morrell at Zoecarnate is a way cool guy and subversive with the best of them. I’ve always liked his style, and he’s been blogging a lot lately, so go check him out.
I’m supposed to choose five, but I only came up with three. Sorry, it’s the subvert in me. (oops, that’s four isn’t it. I’m a blonde subvert, sorry. had a really taxing but really great weekend and I haven’t quite recovered yet).
edit:Here’s another one I just found. It’s definitely going in my blogroll: City Business Church.
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