Archive for freedom
June 19, 2008 at 2:43 pm · Filed under creation, freedom, fun stuff
There are a lot of things I like to do that I don’t do often enough. I’m learning how to make jewelry and hair ornaments from silver and copper wire and stones and crystals. I really enjoy this. I’m a complete novice at it and I struggle to make something that doesn’t look too amateurish. But it’s so fun! Other things I like to do:
Play acoustic guitar (I’m a decent rhythm guitar)
Sing (not too scary)
Sew - I actually attended the International Academy of Merchandising and Design back in the mid-80s and learned how to draft and drape patterns
Paint - Watercolor is my favorite medium and I was also introduced to this at the International Academy during fashion illustration class.
Watch birds
Train animals - this is actually very high on my career potential assessment
Listen - I am a good listener. People tell me their struggles and dreams because of this
Write, of course - but not the kind of writing that I do for a living, unfortunately. I love to write creatively and spontaneous, but also love to write to instruct (but only on topics I love, which again, doesn’t really include open source software - not that i don’t love open source software, but it’s kind of dry)
Fishing - this is very relaxing for me. Darin doesn’t have fun unless he catches something, but me, I just love the activity of fishing. It is more fun if you catch something, though, and I don’t mean frog fish.
Photography - this is like instant painting to me. I love the artistic aspects of photography - the layout, the light and shadow, the color or the light and dark of the grayscale.
All of these things make me wish I wasn’t stuck here in front of this doggone computer screen.
June 1, 2008 at 3:57 pm · Filed under Jesus, freedom, growing in God, paradigms, struggling with sin
My father was really big on appearance, especially women’s appearance. I find it difficult to even go to these places in my memory because of the very deep pain. How he looked at women. How he behaved toward certain women. How he berated my mother and me and my sister. The unattainable standard he lifted up and worshiped. When I was young, I picked up on a message: your outer beauty defines you. It is what makes you valuable (or not). This message seems indelibly marked on my soul and I cannot escape it sometimes.
I cannot escape it and I can never measure up to the standard that has been etched in my consciousness. This is the source of almost all of my struggle and sorrow.
My father liked to look at Playboy and Penthouse magazines. He collected them. Stacks of them. When I was eleven or so and my parents were gone, I used to go into his room and get some of those magazines down. I looked at the pictures. I read and learned about sex. My entire perception of beauty and sexuality was formed from pornography. My parents never explained sex and sexuality to me. How could they? Their understanding of it was completely broken. So their avoided that topic. My education came from airbrushed lies.
I knew this was what my father valued, so I unconsciously adopted it as my ideal: to be sexually attractive, to capture the eyes of men, to be outwardly beautiful. If I could capture their attention, I could have the love and acceptance and security that I had craved from my father. And because I could never, ever, actually be one of those women in those magazines, I realize now that way back then, I created an imaginary life where I was just as beautiful as they were, just as captivating. I built this imaginary existence in which every eye turned toward me. I was one of the women in those magazines, perfectly beautiful, perfectly posed. The only thing that would break this reverie was seeing myself in a picture. I hate pictures of myself. Seeing one picture of myself snapped in a candid moment can throw me into a pit of despair for weeks. For my entire life, I have imagined that I was something I was not. Do you realize how utterly insane this is? How sadly delusional? I didn’t realize it. I do now and I am afraid for myself.
I cannot adequately express the damage this has done to me that is still being discovered and undone. I am sure that this madness I created for myself has broken me in unspeakable ways that will just continue to come to the surface as I grow older.
I’m sure that the written word is hollow and wholly inadequate to describe the pain of this thing that I carry around. I have not known who I really am and now I have the doubly hard task of coming to terms with who I am by stripping away vain imaginations and seeing myself as I am, AND learning to re-orient my idea of what makes me valuable. Trust me, this is much, much more difficult than it seems. Someone who doesn’t struggle with such a deep-seated brokenness would probably say, ok, you’ve realized it, now just don’t do it anymore.
If you’ve ever seen the movie Memento, let me share with you that, in a sense, I am Leonard. Leonard has a memory disorder in which the last thing he can remember is seeing his wife attacked and killed. After that, he has been unable to make new memories. In other words, he forgets everything he experiences, each day, within moments. In order to compensate, he tattoos himself with important information. To him, important information means anything that will lead him closer to the person who killed his wife.
I am like Leonard. My memory is frozen at the traumatic realization that I can never be the things that my father gave me as ideals. Even though I am “re-programming” myself with the Truth of who I am and what my true ideals are, it seems to slip away over and over again and my original programming: you’re a sham, you’re disgusting, did you see that picture of yourself, look at that roll of fat, look at how small your breasts are, look how big your ass has gotten. If you think this is easy for me to express, let me assure you, this is shaping up to be a very difficult post for me to write.
What I was, and what I am, is a person who is beautiful from the inside out, with some nice qualities on the outside too. An amazing person on the inside, a fairly average person from outer appearances. What I have to constantly tell myself is that is a really cool thing. Sometimes I feel like I start to believe it, too. But underneath the “good” voice that I seem to control, is the “bad” voice that I can’t make shut up, that sometimes I can’t hear, but that is always there like the sound of the highway that drifts over the neighborhoods below. What the bad voice keeps telling me, maddeningly, over and over again, is that being average, middle-aged, and yes, overweight, is not cool at all and makes me a complete and utter failure and it makes me want to hide and sometimes even makes me want to die. I’m sure this sounds completely odd to some people. For others, it may just make sense. And I guess that is why I am willing to share this with basically everyone on the planet. It might help someone to show them what I live with, what no one else, except maybe Darin, sees.
If you’re someone who collects pornography or looks at it online, I don’t condemn you. We are free agents and I am all about liberty. What I would ask you to do is to consider the effects you may have on those around you. I’m quite sure my father, who is dead now for over 12 years, did not realize what he did to me. Or to my mother. Or, I am sure, to my sisters. Or to himself. And it doesn’t end there. The effects continue on in my children, to my husband, to my grandchildren. We are all experiencing the healing that comes from knowing Truth and being set free, but the consequences of seemingly small actions are great and long-lasting.
I am going to be OK. God has given me a great treasure in my husband, who has shown me the love of Jesus in countless ways and has been a friend, a lover, and a father to me. Jesus shines through Darin to me and I have healed so much in so many ways. If you don’t know who Jesus is, please ask him to introduce himself to you. Just talk to him. He won’t be pushy or religious. If something is pushy or religious or condemning in your life, it isn’t Jesus, and you can discard it.
May 25, 2008 at 6:41 pm · Filed under Jesus, bible, faith, freedom, growing in God, ideals, paradigms, spirit, struggling with sin
Jesus tells us over and over not to be afraid.
Fear of the unknown can drive us to do many things to feel safe, not the least of which is to surround ourselves with unnecessary structure and rules and people to tell us the right things to do so that we never need make a mistake. Or if we do err, it is someone else’s fault because we have transferred personal responsibility. And once we have surrounded ourselves with this high towering structure that we can see and touch, we no longer need have faith. Because, as scripture tells us, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of which is not seen. We have an example of what can happen when we desire a king that we can touch - this is what happened to Israel. God wanted to be their king but the people wanted a king like all the other nations. Someone to go to battle for them. Someone to protect them. This grieved God’s heart. But he gave it to them. He didn’t come up with the idea, but he went along with it. That’s not the ideal.
Inserting ourselves into structures led by kings that we have asked for, which God has given us, is not his ideal for us. But this is what we choose because we are afraid of being unsafe. We choose the good instead of the best, in the name of safety, when all along we have been safe because we are in the hand of God. We choose to put mediators and messengers and vessels between us and God. We choose Moses instead of Jesus. We choose the law instead of the Law Fulfiller. We choose a veil, a curtain, to shield us from God’s glory, when God himself has torn that curtain so we might go directly by way of Jesus to him.
We expect God to be safe, when in fact he is not safe at all. God is good, but he is not safe. If he were safe, we would not need faith. Yet our spirits are safe in his presence, because of Jesus. Not because of a man or a church. But because of our faith in Jesus.
Worshiping God is not a matter of going to a certain place or doing a certain thing. That is how God operated before Jesus was sent. Jesus fulfilled all of the going and doing. It is left to us to believe and follow and worship in spirit. It is not our job to follow rules, but to follow Jesus.
Exodus 20:
18 When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance 19 and said to Moses, “Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.”
Jeremiah 31:
31 “The time is coming,” declares the LORD,
“when I will make a new covenant
with the house of Israel
and with the house of Judah.
32 It will not be like the covenant
I made with their forefathers
when I took them by the hand
to lead them out of Egypt,
because they broke my covenant,
though I was a husband to [d] them, [e] ”
declares the LORD.
33 “This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel
after that time,” declares the LORD.
“I will put my law in their minds
and write it on their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.
34 No longer will a man teach his neighbor,
or a man his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest,”
declares the LORD.
“For I will forgive their wickedness
and will remember their sins no more.”
35 This is what the LORD says,
he who appoints the sun
to shine by day,
who decrees the moon and stars
to shine by night,
who stirs up the sea
so that its waves roar—
the LORD Almighty is his name:
John 4
19“Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. 20Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”
21Jesus declared, “Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.”
John 6
63The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit[e] and they are life. 64Yet there are some of you who do not believe.”
May 21, 2008 at 1:39 pm · Filed under freedom, ideals, paradigms
From Sterling Hayden, a passage that has given me pause this morning:
To be truly challenging, a voyage, like a life, must rest on a firm foundation of financial unrest. Otherwise, you are doomed to a routine traverse, the kind known to yachtsmen who play with their boats at sea… cruising, it is called. Voyaging belongs to seamen, and to the wanderers of the world who cannot, or will not, fit in. If you are contemplating a voyage and you have the means, abandon the venture until your fortunes change. Only then will you know what the sea is all about. I’ve always wanted to sail to the south seas, but I can’t afford it.” What these men can’t afford is not to go. They are enmeshed in the cancerous discipline of security. And in the worship of security we fling our lives beneath the wheels of routine - and before we know it our lives are gone. What does a man need - really need? A few pounds of food each day, heat and shelter, six feet to lie down in - and some form of working activity that will yield a sense of accomplishment. That’s all - in the material sense, and we know it. But we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, playthings that divert our attention for the sheer idiocy of the charade. The years thunder by, The dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed. Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?
May 20, 2008 at 11:38 pm · Filed under freedom, growing in God, spirit
Do you ever listen to The God Journey podcasts? These guys speak a lot of Truth, so if you ever get the chance give them a listen. I caught a recent episode while I was walking on the treadmill this morning. Brad Cummings was talking about how he was teaching his little girl how to snow ski, and comparing that to how Daddy wants us out of the ski harness and learning how to fly down the slopes of life untethered. Just like Father, Brad was always there with his little girl making sure she was safe, but he let her decide which turns to make. The institution seems to have a vested interest in keeping us in the harness well past the time it is needed. Just like Brad’s daughter was afraid at first, we’re made to be afraid of all the bad things out there that could befall us if we ski through life unharnessed. But Daddy isn’t afraid to let us fall in the snow sometimes, because that’s how we learn that we’ll be OK if we keep pressing in. Then we can all ski together, unharnessed, and we’ll never be satisfied with the tether again. Take a listen: Beyond the Harness
May 15, 2008 at 2:19 pm · Filed under Jesus, dying to self, faith, freedom, growing in God, spirit
For me, it’s just gotta be heart.
How can we put God in a book and tell him to stay there?
Sure, there are facts we become aware of - they are few: Jesus, the Son of God, crucified for my redemption, resurrected for my eternality. But where we store these facts, where we plant those seeds, determines whether they will grow or not. The mind is rocky soil, mixed with so much thorny, puffed up and prideful proof of righteousness, that facts planted there often grow stunted and produce haughty fear-fruit, if they even take root at all. But the heart, what rich soil unhindered by vanity and the pretensions of intelligence, that produces a lush harvest of love for our brother Jesus. What trust, what longing, what unconcern for details, what abandon, that follows him even to death. The head cannot conceive of such unsafe behavior and instinctively condemns and shuns the rebellious, libertarian heart.
May 12, 2008 at 1:55 pm · Filed under Jesus, faith, freedom, growing in God, struggling with sin
Sometimes I use “not caring” about something as a defense mechanism. Not caring becomes detachment, which becomes a place that feels safe. For instance, we have to find a vehicle because my previous automobile was totaled out by the insurance company after we hit a deer. So in the process of looking for a suitable replacement, I have settled into a place of “not caring” what we buy. I have detached myself completely from the process, because several times already I have had car preferences that my husband has had to tell me wouldn’t work for one reason or another. In order to avoid the anticipation/disappointment cycle and possibly acting in an uncharitable manner, I have chosen simply to “not care.” I realize that this puts the entire responsibility for finding a car in his court. But to me, it feels like it was already his responsibility, (because he knows more about cars than I do and because mechanical concerns trump appearance preferences) so why not make it official?
I was thinking about the “not caring” thing this morning and comparing that to Jesus’ admonition to us not to worry. What’s the difference? I know there’s a difference, but I didn’t quite get it yet. But I think I may have hit on something:
The reason “not worrying” is right and “not caring” is wrong, is because worrying happens when I am not living in the moment, and caring happens when I AM living in the moment. To expound, worrying happens when I am thinking about something that COULD happen or MAY NOT happen in the future. Conversely, caring about an issue means that I am prepared to deal with making decisions IN THIS MOMENT, without detaching myself.
When Jesus tells us not to worry, I believe he is telling us to live in the moment. The evil in worrying is that in worry, I am never present. I might be living my entire life five minutes in the future, or years in the future. I am missing out on the only thing that is REAL, which is life right this moment in the presence of Jesus.
But caring means that I am facing this very moment and being present in it. If I stop caring about what this moment holds, I am placing myself into some other time or dimension, and once again I am missing REAL LIFE.
Today my life is a perfect practical application of this principle. Today, I seem to be bent on worrying about my relationship with my daughter, even though right this moment she is not here and there is nothing I can do about our relationship right now, and so my worry is focused on some nebulous concept of future events. Today, I also seem to be bent on detaching myself from the decisions that need to be made regarding purchasing (or not purchasing) a replacement vehicle, detaching myself from the work that needs to be done today, detaching myself from interaction with the people who ARE here.
With both of these behaviors, I am pushing myself out of the moment and out of real life.
So today I have learned why worry is wrong but caring is essential.
May 8, 2008 at 7:28 pm · Filed under Jesus, dying to self, faith, freedom, growing in God, struggling with sin
Jesus takes away my sin nature, but what about the rest of me? Does he completely change my entire nature? Or is it just my sin nature that has to go? If he changes me completely then what of being fearfully and wonderfully made? What of being created in Dad’s image? Does this mean I completely suck as a human being and need to be made into something completely different? That he thinks the Tina he made was a mistake? I’m thinking not. I am made new by the sacrifice of Jesus. New doesn’t mean different, it means clean and fresh, which can certainly be different than sin-stained, but it’s not a different me. The old sin nature is dead, but the unique creation that Daddy loves so much is still here and still cherished by him.
May 8, 2008 at 1:54 pm · Filed under faith, freedom, growing in God, ideals, spirit
I have been ignoring this blog because I have allowed things to motivate me and lead me that shouldn’t be motivating me and leading me. Consequently, I haven’t been following my passion, which is to write about my spiritual journey and the things that I believe Dad is showing me.
The most recent distraction has been money. I have been all about finding a way to make more money using my God-given writing gift. This, even though I have clearly heard Spirit-voice telling me it is time to stop using my gift for what I can get out of it and start allowing myself to simply be a conduit. How could I possibly make money writing about my passion? So I have been focusing on other things, like a Web site about telecommuting that could draw lots of visitors and therefore ad dollars. Something that is completely without passion for me.
Another thing that has distracted me is the fact that people from time to time have such a strong reaction to the things I write. So I have blocked myself from expressing what I hear Spirit-voice saying to me because I have been worried about what people would think or if they would be offended. I tried to explain it to myself in pious terms. You shouldn’t be causing others to stumble, I told myself. You shouldn’t make it sound like you are pointing fingers, I said. Don’t express the things in your heart because you might hurt others. But these were really just excuses to play the martyr. My refusal to write the things God has put on my heart is a selfish act of the will designed to mitigate personal risk. If I don’t share my heart, then people cannot disagree with me or get angry with me. If I don’t share my innermost thoughts, then the resulting silence is the result of my own choice, not someone else’s choice to say nothing about the thing I have risked myself to express.
Of course, all of this is wrong thinking. I realized that this morning as I was journaling, a discipline I am working on separately from blogging. Neither money nor risk mitigation are valid reasons to abandon my God-given passion. So to hell with money, and if you are offended by what I write please do not make the choice to visit and read. I will not be co-dependent with the world.
April 6, 2008 at 8:06 pm · Filed under Church, Jesus, fellowship, freedom, paradigms, spirit
We had a great time this morning. We spent almost three hours at Starbucks chatting with a couple that we met online. They’re on a similar journey to ours, and it’s so nourishing to sit with people who are on the same wavelength and talk about Jesus, Church, work, fishing, alligators, Jesus, legalism, Jesus, kids, crazy “praise “songs you can’t believe you used to sing with such gusto (don’t be stingy, don’t be tight???**), having babies, being pastors in our environment, giving money to homeless people you know are lying to you, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And we learned from each other. We don’t have another meeting time scheduled but we’ll get together again soon. Our time together might be only for a while because our friends are thinking about moving out West soon to be near family. That would be sad, but it would be OK because we trust Father. It’s not up to us. That almost three hour time period went by so quickly, and we could have sat there for a few more hours. It was great. Thanks, Papa, for putting people on our path for a time to share this life in you.
**from the Ron Kenoly song “Give to the Lord.”
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