Is it a good idea to have expectations of others in a love relationship? I mean, is it even really possible to do that? To expect someone to behave a certain way or to become a certain person or improve in a certain way? I think that is making love conditional, because love and acceptance go hand in hand.
Love means I embrace you fully just as you are and will continue to do so. And this idea of unconditional love can be held separate from the idea of boundaries. Having boundaries in a relationship means that you cannot physically or mentally hold me hostage or I will remove myself from your presence, perhaps permanently. And this is good and right and doesn’t negate the idea of love.
But expectations create conditions. The person who feels entitled waits, perhaps impatiently, for the expected actions or change in the other person, and until that happens, there is something missing in the relationship. My husband could tell me every day how much he loves me, but if he is also telling me that he expects my appetite for sex to increase by 30% and that I’d better hop to it, I’m not believing that I am accepted. Or if he tells me that my cooking needs to be as delicious and well-presented as Rachael Ray’s technique and that he’s going on a diet until that happens, I’m not feeling encouraged.
Sometimes unspoken expectations scream the loudest. If Darin looked at every beautiful young woman that passed by him while we were having a conversation, instead of focusing on me, that would certainly deliver a message to me. If I go on and on about how Pastor Dashing is so wise and so well-spoken and how captivated I am by his every word, I might be saying something I don’t really want to say to my husband, especially if I’ve been nagging him or complaining to him about something I think he’s doing wrong, or ignoring him, or waiting for him to get on the stick.
I was thinking about this the other day and comparing it to some behaviors I have with my kids. I noticed that I told my daughter what a good worker she is, and I really meant it, and since then, she almost can’t stop herself from doing things around the house. I mean, even when she doesn’t want to, she feels compelled to do it because she believes that she is a good worker. On the other hand, unfortunately, I’ve not told my son the same thing because I’ve seen that doing chores around the house doesn’t come quite as naturally to him. And so he balks at every opportunity to help out. I’m going to do a little experiment, and I’ll let you know how it works. I’m going to start encouraging my son every single time he does one little bit of anything around the house. I’m going to praise him for it and tell him he’s a good worker. And I’m going to ignore it when he does a crappy job. Yes, I am going to stuff a sock in my mouth and be quiet. And over the next several months, I’m going to see if unconditional love and acceptance work better than expectations.
I’ll check back in 12 weeks or so and let you know how my experiment worked.
Tags: boundaries, encouragement, expectations, love, relationships, unconditional love
May 28th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I have a daughter now 21 who, at 2 was a terror. I had two other well behaved children but anything that I did with Bailey was just NOT WORKING. At 3 no one could hardly stand her. She would bite her sisters, scream just to make you mad, disobey even when you were looking and was generally out of control. I was at my wits end. I had 4 children all under 7 years old and I could not fathom what I should do. On day while planning my escape to California (Kidding - well maybe not) I told God that I had had it. I was finished. I did not know what to do and was actually afraid that I might hurt her. I heard him say (not quite out loud) “Just Love Her.” I stopped immediately when he said that and went, “No, that will never work.”
But I was desperate. So I told the whole family that I was going on a quest to Love Bailey. They needed to understand that I was not going to correct her as much and shower her with love. I would crawl into bed with her at night and tell her that she was my very favorite daughter. I would find SOMETHING to praise her for that day. If she did anything right I would tell her immediately.
You know what? In 3 weeks she was a totally different child. A friend who was visiting came in and after observing her for a while said, “There must be a God. Bailey is a different child - what did you do?”
To this day when she gets a bit obstinate I whisper in her ear, “Bailey, you know you’re still my favorite.”
May 28th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Hi Tina-
I’m not sure that I entirely agree with you. But it may be a function of semantics or I might not be reading or interpreting your post in the right way. Here’s what I’m thinking. I don’t believe that expectations and love relationships are mutually exclusive. I think the problem comes when we make the fulfillment of that expectation to be the condition for our love. For example: In my home my children are expected to be respectful of adults (of other people in general). However, my love for and acceptance of them is not dependent upon whether they do this. I also have great hope that my children will grow up in a love relationship with Jesus and desire a life of true piety. However, my love and acceptance of them is not dependent upon this hope or expectation.
I think my husband should expect that I would treat him with respect. When I’m not doing so I would expect him be disappointed and to tell me so. I think he has every right to expect me to treat my children with respect, love and patience and if I don’t, I expect him to tell me so.
I must confess that I fully expect my husband to be faithful to me in our marriage. We took vows and created that expectation on our wedding day. If he commits adultery I will be disappointed (actually heart-broken) and the trust in our relationship will be severely undermined –natural consequences of not meeting a mutually agreed upon expectation of the relationship. Depending upon the circumstances it’s highly likely that I would choose to sleep in separate bedrooms for a while until the trust is rebuilt in the relationship and some of the wounds have healed. I do not see this as conditional love or acceptance.
I think that Jesus expects his followers to seek to love God and their neighbor as themselves. I don’t believe his love for us changes when we fail to meet this expectation but I do believe that my selfishness and unwillingness to love like Jesus has at times disappointed my Father. I believe God expects repentance and with repentance comes not only contrition but change. However, I don’t believe that He loves me any less when I am being obstinate and refusing to change. I do believe that because of His love for me He disciplines me for my own good in such situations so that I can see my sin for what it is and be drawn back to Him.
I don’t believe that we have the right to hold someone hostage to changing by saying I will only love you or accept you when you do this. But, I do believe that healthy relationships more often than not have some mutually understood and agreed upon expectations. The challenges I see are: 1) To clearly and lovingly communicate with one another when defining those expectations and when dealing with disappointment when they aren’t met. 2) To avoid resorting to the fleshly and passive-agressive tendency to withold love when our expectations and needs aren’t met.
Not sure if I’m splitting hairs on the subject. But, this post really stuck out to me because interestingly enough this topic has been on my mind a lot lately.
Amy
PS I like the experiment idea. I think I need to do more of the positive reinforcement with my little one especially.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:33 am
hey Amy,
I think what you’re talking about is hope. I hope all those good things, and Jesus hopes all those good things, but my love for others and his love for me is not based on whether those hopes are realized. Expectations assume a contract-based relationship.
Thanks
Tina
May 29th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Also, I think the parent child relationship is a different one than the husband wife relationship. We are to discipline and train our children but not our spouse. So we do have expectations for our children’s behavior but not for our spouse’s behavior. Just hope. Expectations assume a contract that can be broken. Hope is an outflow of love. It always hopes.
” 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
There’s nothing about expectations in there. Expectation speaks of something I deserve. Hope speaks of delight for the person hoped for.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:17 am
And also… That’s the problem with expectations - I’m bound to be disappointed by the other person and feel like my rights have been violated. That person is going to fail me at some point and I will fail them too. Expectations are not exactly dying to myself. Thats the real crux of my thoughts about this: that we can’t be selfless in our love if we’re holding onto expectations.
Hopefully, we will choose as carefully as possible before signing up for the relationship, thats where expectations really play a role - I expect to marry someone with strong character, etc. But to be Jesus to that person, I need to die to myself and give up on my expectations of that person and be joyful in my love for them. Not gritting my teeth and saying I love you no matter what, even though you’re killing me. But saying, this person is so vastly more important to me than anything else on this earth that everything else pales in comparison. And really meaning it.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:39 am
OK, that’s an awesome story. Thanks for sharing that, it is so encouraging and makes me think I am on the right track with my son. and THANKS for stopping by. I love your blog.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Hi Tina-
I think we’re saying the same thing for the most part but we’re using different words. However, I don’t have a problem saying that my husband deserves my fidelity. It was a promise I made to him and he has every right to expect me to be faithful. Now we can say he “hopes” I am faithful to soften the statement but the bottom line is he expects me to be faithful and if I am not he has every right to be hurt and disappointed. He has every right to need time to heal. And I believe love would require that I give him that time to heal and do whatever it takes to rebuild trust in the relationship. I believe that love and acceptance is more than possible during that healing process, even though the relationship might “look” a little different for a season. It’s not a matter of “disciplining” the offending spouse or of “gritting” one’s teeth in order to love. Although the pain of dying to oneself might feel like you’re doing more than gritting your teeth It’s a reality of our human frailty and the temporal (not eternal) consequences of sin in a relationship.
Again, I think it’s more a matter of semantics. If love ends because of an unmet expectation then I agree that’s like a “contract.” But even in a “covenant” relationship there are expectations/agreements/hopes (pick a word). The difference, which I think we both agree upon, is that love does not end simply because one party does not do all that they agreed to do in the relationship.
Thanks for the thought provoking post and the dialogue. You always challenge me to clarify my thoughts on different topics. I like that about our friendship.
Amy