I was writing a prayer today and I was asking God to please take away this awful burden of self, these daily temptations and driven desires that make endless demands on me. Please take it away, I was begging with my pen, and as I wrote those words I heard him say, Please give it to me.
Huh?
Please give it to me.
……………………………
Oh, you mean I’m holding on to this thing and asking you to wrest it from my white-knuckled grip, when instead I could just hand it over to you? I thought about that for a moment and then the questions started. He probably expected that. He was probably shaking his head and chuckling a little bit as I ranted: How can I just let go because I started to do that a few months ago and look at where I’m at now. It sure doesn’t look like you’re handling it, Jesus. I don’t think you took it away, this burden of self, because right now I am buried even deeper in it. Look at me, I’m struggling and I’m questioning and I’m feeling really stuck. I must have been doing it wrong but I don’t know how to do it the right way and I’m scared.
And he said, Just trust me.
So I changed the subject for a little while, because the thought of just letting go of all of that, ceasing to be concerned about it, and living in the moment with my life directed completely toward him above everything else, was just too risky.
Now, after a morning of consideration, I am feeling brave enough to confront that idea again. And I can see that in constantly begging him to take my burden of selfishness and self-concern away, I don’t have to trust him with that burden because I am still holding on to it. Trust means letting go of the crap voluntarily, not waiting around for him to rip it away forcibly. Trust means not judging the outcome of letting go according to my own desires or vision. Trust means opening my hands and my heart and keeping my eyes completely and only on him, and following with all my strength. Trust means giving up control because I want to, not because I have to.
Tags: faith, Jesus, piety, selfishness, trust
May 11th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
You are not alone. This one hits me right where I am right now.
What I want is to “liv[e] in the moment with my life directed completely toward him…” But I struggle so much with the cup I’ve been given and my own selfishness.
Living in the moment not worried about the results but trusting him with both the process and the outcome. This is my heart’s desire.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Yes, me too Amy. And that’s why I love ya!
May 30th, 2008 at 4:35 am
I think trusting has been the hardest thing for me; How can Trust that when I let go, God will take care of it? Then I read”Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own uderstanding” This in itself sums up what i continually do even though i don’t want to: I think my own thoughts andIm not reall trusting. After reading the above , i now see that Im not alone and that all i have to do is give it over to him, don’t look back at it and stop trying to make it work my way. The process and the outcome, its the in between state that is the area where I need to be still and know that God is GOd. Thank you for this, this gives me understanding that i simply just let go..
May 30th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Hi Sandra,
It’s “simple” but not always very easy. Thank you for stopping by and offering your thoughts. -Tina
August 29th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Dearest Tina;
I came across your website when I was googling and I felt this sudden urge to ckeck it out. I now know that I am not alone, I mean struggling with the WORLD. I have recently started my walk with Lord and there were a few occasions where I felt like giving up many times becasuse I was and addict of many kinds of drugs. I feel very proud of myself right now becasue I overcame so many obstacles and trials.
I was reborn on June 5th and it’s been quite a journey so far! But this one I know for sure I can keeep on walking with Lord. I feel so blessed right now, so many good things/changes have happened in my life and my recovery. I can finally say this without feeling shame or guilt that I was a user since I was 15 yrs old, so many terrible things happened to me as a child.But that’s in the past and I live for todayand not toworry about my past or future. It’s in God’s hands now and of course he’s the #1 I can trust!!!! I’m also working on the 12 steps of N.A and it’s been difficult @ times. I must continue my journey, and I am truly blessed to have all my childhood friends all serving GOD as well, I fee very lucky to have them in my life, they encourage me all the time to never give up no matter what comes my way.
Well I shall write to you again, gotta get bak to work!!!!
August 29th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Hey Jessica, thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am proud of you too, for letting go, accepting what has happened in the past, and moving on. You sound like a blessed woman! -Tina